"The following advisory for American travellers heading for
France was compiled from information provided by the US State
Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber
of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centres
for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that
the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for
American travellers only. No guarantee of accuracy is ensured
or intended.

General overview: France is a medium-sized foreign country
situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of
the world community, though not nearly as important as it
thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some
smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not very
good shopping.

France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the
Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western
civilisation are champagne, Camembert cheese and the
guillotine.

Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air
conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get
decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American
visitors is that the people wilfully persist in speaking French,
though many will speak English if shouted at. As in any foreign
country, watch your change at all times.

The People: France has a population of 54 million people, most
of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are
dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing
patiently in line. The French people are in general gloomy,
temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and
those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman
Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behaviour.
Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is
common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and
they kiss each other when they hand out medals.

American travellers are advised to travel in groups and to wear
baseball caps and colourful trousers for easier mutual
recognition. Safety: In general, France is a safe destination,
though travellers are advised that, from time to time, it is
invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or
less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch
whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and
stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on much
as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the
English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it
easier for the Government to flee to London.

History: France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark
Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the
Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de
Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an
airport.

Government: The French form of government is democratic but
noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously, and always
result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is
divided into regions, departments, districts' municipalities,
cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles.

Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower
(though, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose
members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom
is to be trusted, frankly. Parliament's principal preoccupations
are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting
indignant when anyone complains.

According to the most current State Department intelligence, the
President now is someone named Jacques. Further
information is not available at this time.

Culture: The French pride themselves on their culture, though it
is not easy to see why. All their songs sound the same, and they
have hardly ever made a movie that you would want to watch for
anything but the nude scenes. And nothing, of course, is more
boring than a French novel (except, perhaps, an evening with a
French family -ha! ha! ha!).

Cuisine: Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a
snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the
other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most
Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travellers are
advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as
 Sheraton and Holiday Inn.

Economy: France has a large and diversified economy, second
only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because
people hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours
dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads
with their lorries and tractors. France's principal exports, in order
of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons,
perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-calibre weaponry,
grenade launchers, landmines, tanks, attack aircraft,
miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

Public holidays: France has more holidays than any other nation
in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are 197 saints'
days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic
Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won
the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile
Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112
France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days.
Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day
January 12), the Feast of St Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and
National Guillotine Day (November 12).

Conclusion: France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and
varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be
a very nice country if it weren't inhabited by French people. The
best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany.

A word of warning: The consular services of the United States
government are intended solely for the promotion of the
interests of American businesses such as McDonald's, Pizza
Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that you are the
victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the loss of a
limb, report to the American Embassy between the hours of 5.l5
am and 5.20 am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular
official who is supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a
list of qualified dentists or something similarly useless.
Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we
always take our holidays at Miami Beach, and you are advised
to as well. Thank you and good luck."


This is by Bill Bryson, an excellent and very funny writer of
travelogue-type books.